Hair or Butt (Not to be confused with “Hairy Butts”)

Posted by Rita Lorraine

Hi everybody,
Sometimes a writer has to take a little time off to examine the world around her. I mean, there’s more to life than just writing. For instance, there’s the phenomenon of watching what was once a “banging body” disappear right before your very eyes…or be absorbed in a mound of fat.

So today I’m coming at you with the supreme question, and hoping you’ll have the $6 million dollar answer: Which is more important… hair or butt? Now, don’t get it twisted: I said “hair or butt,” not “hairy butt.”


Here’s the deal. My butt is…well, spreading. I have proof, though I’m sure you’re not interested in seeing it. And despite the fact that I’ve reached that certain age where a woman’s butt actually begins to fold in upon itself so that the rounded parts are completely inverted, mine is apparently still trying to conquer new territory. This thing is spreading like ink on tissue paper!

I thought I found the solution. I usually walk 2 ½ to 3 miles each day at 4-5 mph, and burn over 300 calories per walk. I feel great afterward, but I sweat like a pig in the process. When I do, each strand of my hair separates itself from its soaking-wet neighbor, as if to say, “Get away from me, freak; I’m not a part of this community.” I not only look like something the cat dragged in, I look like something it threw up first.


So, what to do??? I get my hair done every other week, so I can’t sweat like a granny, then wait for the next washing. The only solution seems to be not to walk, or to at least cut walking down to once or twice a week. But the moment I stop walking, my belly pooches out and my butt spreads like a viral video.

So which do I tend to….hair or butt? Any experts want to weigh in?

Well, that’s it for now. Thanks for letting me unload my hairy butt story on you.

Until next time, best wishes and happy writing,

Rita Lorraine

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